The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More, and Change the Way You Lead Forever

Oh, my.MEMO TO EVERY PERSON I’VE PRETENDED TO COACH OR MENTOR: I’m so, so sorry! Honest!Here’s why. This month I was a learner in a seminar with CEOs and board chairs. The highly energetic, wise and witty facilitator was Michael Bungay Stanier, the author of the hot-off-the-press book, “The Coaching Habit.”At a coffee break, halfway through the three-hour, how-to-coach practicum, I told Stanier that—already—the seminar was on my Top-10 list of best workshops ever attended (and I’ve attended my fair share). Here’s why I gave it a 10:Three memorable points on coaching:--BE LAZY: Stop working so hard.--BE CURIOUS: Stop giving so much advice.--BE OFTEN: Stop waiting to coach.And how’s this for role reversal? I’m usually reading snippets from books to my wife. She picked this up first and is still reading—and reminding me—on what effective coaching looks like, especially the “stop giving so much advice” poke-in-the-ribs. Ouch.Stanier notes that “Harland Howard said every great country song has three chords and the truth. This book gives you seven questions and the tools to make them an everyday way to work less hard and have more impact.” The seven essential questions:--The Kickstart Question--The AWE Question--The Focus Question--The Foundation Question--The Lazy Question--The Strategic Question--The Learning QuestionStanier says the best coaching question in the world is the AWE question: “And What Else?”In a four-minute drill with another board chair, I was instructed to ask four questions displayed on the seminar room screen. Stanier says “the first answer someone gives you is almost never the only answer, and it’s rarely the best answer,” so the AWE question is the perfect follow-up.--Q1: What’s the real challenge here for you?--Q2: And what else?--Q3: And what else?--Q4: So what’s the real challenge here for you?In just four minutes—it was almost magical. I stuck to the bargain (whew—very hard) and just asked questions of my board chair partner. He responded to each question—and increasingly, in response to “And what else?” he dug deeper and deeper and—BINGO!—answered his own question and solved his own challenge.Where was this book when I was pretending to coach team members, clients, my son, my grandkids, and many, many others? Yikes!I’ve underlined gems on almost every page:--Although coaching is listed as one of the six essential leadership styles in Daniel Goleman’s article, “Leadership That Gets Results” (a Harvard Business Review classic), “it was the least-used leadership style.”--“You can build a coaching habit” and “You can coach someone in ten minutes or less. And in today’s busy world, you have to be able to coach in ten minutes or less.”--“Coaching should be a daily, informal act, not an occasional, formal ‘It’s Coaching Time!’ event.”Stanier’s humor sneaks up on you! As you embark on what he calls the “coaching habit,” he suggests you start somewhere easy:“If you’re going to manage someone differently, pick someone who might be up for it and is willing to cut you some slack. Or pick someone with whom it’s all going so badly that you’ve got nothing left to lose.”ANOTHER AHA! The author says there’s a huge difference between coaching for performance—and coaching for development. “Call them forward to learn, improve and grow, rather than to just get something sorted out.”A gargantuan fan of questions—versus answers—he quotes Nancy Willard: “Answers are closed rooms; and questions are open doors that invite us in.”“CUT THE INTRO AND ASK THE QUESTION” is another shot over the bow. He notes, “No James Bond movie starts off slowly. Pow! Within 10 seconds you’re into the action, the adrenaline has jacked and the heart is beating faster”—so “cut the preliminary flim-flam” in your coaching process. In 72-point font on page 52, Stanier shouts: “If you know what question to ask,get to the point and ask it.”TAME THE ADVICE MONSTER! “We’ve all got a deeply ingrained habit of slipping into the advice-giver/expert/answer-it/solve-it/fix-it mode.” (One study revealed that doctors interrupt patients with advice within 18 seconds. Ditto, perhaps, the rest of us.)Slow down and take a breath, says Stanier. “Even though we don’t really know what the issue is, we’re quite sure we’ve got the answer they need.”VP OF BOTTLENECKING. If your employee name badge should read “VP of Bottlenecking,” you must read this book. These seven essential coaching questions will help you coach others, and as Stanier perceptively writes, “Focus on the real problem, not the first problem.”There are dozens and dozens of more gems in this fresh, easy-to-read format (plus almost 50 full-page quotations—all PowerPoint-worthy). I just ordered eight books for colleagues who are coaching boards and CEOs this year.

Enlightening. This is a first in many ways for me. It helps with everyday conversations and small talk as well.

I picked this up in anticipation of adding a coaching service to my editorial business. I dropped one star due to the fact that some of it felt a bit repetitive, although I believe this was intentional to drill the lesson home. This book is more geared toward managing subordinates or employees, but it still had a lot of great tips and advice in it for anyone who wants to coach, manage, or lead others. The biggest lesson here is to slow down on giving advice and instead ask prompting questions and listen as your coachee comes up with a solution on their own. While this may feel like the lazy way to coach, it actually does both of you a greater favor in teaching them to problem-solve on their own and be more effective in growing and achieving their desired results. Another part I found particularly fascinating was learning about the drama triangle, how we play all three roles at different times, and how to get out of it quicker.

A user friendly book. Easy to follow and to implement.Get it and enjoy putting your new coaching habit into practice.

You should buy and read The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier if you’re interested in improving your performance as a manager and your team’s performance and morale.If you’re reading this review of a book on coaching for managers, you probably fall into one of two camps. You might be a manager who’s already doing some coaching or you’re a manager who hasn’t made coaching part of your toolkit yet.You may already have made coaching part of the way you manage. If that’s true. you can skip over the next section of this review and get right to why this book will be an excellent addition to the other coaching books you own.It’s also possible because you’re interested in adding coaching to your manager’s toolkit and you’re seeking a good book to get you started. Then the next few paragraphs are for you.The benefits of coaching are pretty straightforward and well documented. A boss who coaches his or her team members effectively will have a more productive team, have higher team morale, and will have a more enjoyable work life. OK, so why aren’t you doing it already? My experience suggests that there are three possible reasons.You may think that the coaching that managers do and the coaching that sports coaches do is the same. Nope. Sports coaches do a lot of telling and don’t ask many questions. The art of the coaching manager is the art of the question.Or, you may think that the coaching that managers do and the coaching that professional executive coaches do is the same. Nope. Professional coaches are a godsend for us. But they’re professionals with a bag full of professional tools and expertise. Coaching with them is an event that you put on your calendar. The art of the coaching manager is coaching “in the workflow” several times a day. That’s why it should be a habit.Or, you may think that the coaching that managers do requires deep knowledge of psychology and coaching theory. Nope. The fact is that all the great supervisors I studied coached routinely without a bit of specialized training. Heck, my mother used to do it with me and my sister.They all asked something like: “Why do you think that happened?” or “What do you want to do?” and then listened. It was all about conversation and part of the normal flow of life and work.That’s what this book is about. Ask more. Say less. Simple enough that this preacher’s boy can get it. Here are the details.What’s in this book?Coaching is simple. So is this book. Coaching is lean. So is this book.The first chapter is about why you need the coaching habit. The second chapter is about creating the coaching habit. Yes, habit, something you do reflexively several times every work day. The advice in this chapter is based on real science, not that nonsense about “28 days.”The next seven chapters are about seven questions you can ask Just seven and that’s enough. There are “Master Classes” that help you ask the questions effectively. There are pointers to videos and podcasts and other helps.Still not sure? Well, there’s good news. Check out the “Look Inside the Book” feature for the Kindle version of this book. That will give you the “Why” you’ll need to judge if the book is for youBottom Line: Five StarsIf you’ve already read several books on coaching, this book and the advice on habit building will be a wonderful addition to your library.If you’re trying to figure out if coaching will help you and how to get started, this is the perfect book to buy, read, and use.